It is late, I am into the next day here at my keyboard. My thoughts tonight are accompanied by an overwhelming sadness, a sadness reserved for these times. As we age we witness so very much, the older we get the more we are a part of. Being a part of Life in it's truest form brings with it unimaginable joys and at times like these deep sorrows.

I received news yesterday of a dear friend's terminal illness. I have taken this past 36 hours or so to really sit with the reality of this. I am, as you all know by now a woman of Faith, a strong and certain Faith. The inescapable fact is that my friend will before too long be home with the Lord. Although I believe fully how peaceful and beautiful that is, I ache for him and for those whose very lives he has impacted with his love and graciousness.

My heart is used to a bit of heaviness as I have always felt deeply for the collective whole, even as a child. When I was a child it was my secret, now I bring it forth...I bring it forth to the Lord and I bring it forth to you my friends. This I know we have in common, we all know this ache. Saying goodbye is so incredibly hard and yet with a deep awareness, love as well as a respect for life, we do. I pray the Lord will give me the words to say to this warm and loving friend. I also pray that those that are closest to him will have the courage it takes to comfort him and be by his side.

I have come to realize that this "Blog" is ALWAYS divinely inspired, it's content may shift a bit from time to time. My Passion and my desire as stated on that very first page remain very much intact. My resolve in fact grows deeper as the roots keep extending into God's earth only equaled by the branches that will one day bear fruit.

This journey, this Pilgrimage is to my soul and my love for humanity runs passionately through my veins.

I ask that you pray for my friend, that his suffering be brief, his moments remaining be lived fully and when he is ready Our Loving and compassionate Father take him home.

Mimi Nakupenda,

Malaika~

The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right. Psalm 34:15

But I am like an olive tree.thriving in the house of The Lord. I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise you forever, O God, for what you have done. I will wait for your mercies in the presence of your people. Psalm 52:8-9

Swing the Pendulum...

Prior writing mistakenly put aside...

It has been far too many days away from here and away from Africa... Spiritual warfare takes place for me as it does for everyone, I too am tested constantly. It's okay and I have learned to be greatful for it as it helps me to conform to my true path, it is perhaps a bit of healthy criticism from HIM and isn't that what is at the root of all my praying? In solitude my connection to God is at it's highest level and I am very open to his teachings and to the instincts he has fine tuned inside of me. My desire grows to be face to face with people with such depth of spirit that expect so little. If I can raise that bar for a few with my hands and my heart I will be Spiritually full up. A team of us can do much good, this I know. I'll know when it is time to proced with what it will require to pull a ministry together. There are many, many things that need doing here before we can put cement onto blocks to build a Camp there...Learning to discipline myself and accomplish these tasks will be harder for me than caring for sick children. Discipline will ultimately help to get that first cement block in place and keep it there.

Africa is waging some very heavy Spiritual Warfare right now and it at times weighs on me. I have come to realize it can make my heart heavy and tire me. It makes it very hard to not simply board a plane. It is probably good right now I can't afford to do that as I have a lot of work to do in the immediate future in preparation. There have been a few coups in the last few months making it seem that it is as a nation suffering spiritual aftershocks and I believe it in fact is.

The desperation, that need that runs so deep has in an absolute form, turned to evil in the weaponry of Piracy, oppression and rampant murder. The entire Country seems impervious almost to any attempt at making and keeping laws in place. Yes of course there are parts of the Nation that are more stable than others but overall when one place starts to unravel yet again, another soon follows. WHAT can possibly fix this broken Country other than the power of Hope and Faith placed in the hands and the hearts of these people? My impossibly naive heart wants to believe that we can swing the pendulum if we band together in numbers as foot soldiers of God. FIRST...we must overcome our own obstacles whether they be that of apathy, fear, greed or countless other flaws that are seemingly contagious. Seems much of civilization has forgotten that a full and meaningful life is one that affects the world for the better, we surely were born knowing this intrinsically. How is it we forget? Mimi Nakupenda, Malaika~ “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

On my knees...

It is so easy at times to lapse into a place of "easy rest" a place where you actually forget what it is we are and where it is we came from.

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It is with a bittersweet sadness I tell you I wrote the paragraph above on October 11th. What that tells me as I make my way back onto these pages is that I have been allowing other things to take presidence over something very important and central for me, this Blog.

This is of course not even close to the only time I have been sidetracked or even in a place where I find myself saying to the Lord, I am sorry.

I am being moved to look back to the day I was privileged to see past here...to perhaps look through or behind the veil. Before I go forth I want you to know I tell you all of this with the deepest and most profound respect and appreciation...

When I think of that day I remember vividly every sense...sight, sound, touch, taste and of course feel... I will be as candid as I am comfortable being with this deeply personal account.

I habe resisted before but it is time apparently that I allow this part of my story to unfold as is.. it's natural inclination is now...it is time.

It was the sixth of June in the year 2006...6/6/06 written in it's true form, many were entertained writing it differently that day, I'm reasonably sure.

I had a seizure in my home that day, a serious one. Seizures are or were for me a frequent rather than infrequent occurrence for that year and the previous year after being struck by a car as a pedestrian. A life altering event...

The ambulance arrived, I have little recollection of this other than having to help with names for someone to stay with my child, I do remember being concerned about that. The police and medical personnel were able to use my cell phone to reach someone and as they arrived I was on my way down the stairs on a stretcher.

Within minutes inside the ambulance I remember a lot of rushing about, far more than any other time and I remember knowing I was going to die. Mind you I had been through this several times prior, something was very different this particular time.

I remember an odd smell and taste and then I had another Grande Mal seizure...as I lost consciousness I remember saying "please don't let me die, I have five children, one little one." The EMT's answer was "Not on my watch" but I heard something in her voice...then I vividly remember a raised voice saying something about "Tachardia"and that's all I remember for a bit...other than the sirens that sounded very far away.

When I came to again I was stacked gurney to gurney inside triage's ambulance entrance with nobody in sight...seems those numbers I mentioned brought out something especially mischievous in this hazy raining week that particular Summer.

My first thought was that perhaps I was dead...? As the minutes passed I realized I was very much alive as every bone in my body was in excruciating pain, surely this is not the hereafter I thought.

Two Grande Mal seizures back to back puts a person in grievous danger for Status Epilepticus I now know and yet there I was laying with 5-7 others not even in front of medical personnel, insanity even through my haze...

I eventually did yell out after what felt like forever, I'm sure it was more like 20 minutes? I don't know.

A very pretty but rather unsuitable nurse called an attendant over to put me somewhere so I didn't "upset anyone"...and soon I was behind a curtain where I thought perhaps I was actually being recorded as a person rather than another number in the hall. There was in a very short amount of time a young nurse trying to draw blood from my very unwilling arm, in fact I literally couldn't move it. I could feel her frustration as if it were my own and forgive the honesty, I know it's hard...I could hear many of her thoughts. She wasn't getting blood and she was afraid, there are more very private details that I will spare you for the moment as far as my body and what it was and was not doing...

I closed my eyes as I felt a warmth unlike anything I have ever felt or knew to imagine that engulfed me at that moment.

My journey was at hand...I was not shocked nor surprised, in fact I was very much at ease, happier than I had ever known.

Other than the feeling of warmth and intense comfort I was immediately very much aware of a presence, a loving and all knowing brilliant presence. I was assured immediately that I was not going anywhere although there was not a fiber of my very light being that was even contemplating it, this feeling was far too wonderful to do anything BUT bask in it.

I still today close my eyes at times and try to feel it again but of course I can't, the trying causes me to tear up at times and those are for me, moments of sheer bliss as it does cause me to feel that much closer to the Lord.

The beautiful truth is, I now live in the light of the Lord and am always aware...lapses or no lapses...he is with me and I feel it.

My eloquent messenger had never uttered a sound and yet...I was instilled with a sense of peace and a sense of knowing. I was reminded that I have a purpose and had lost track of what it was...it was crystal clear to me that I was brought to this place to be reminded in a very concise but gentle way that I was to use my compassion and love of words and to share and teach selflessly. I had as a child wanted to go into the Peace Corps yet lacking conviction and discipline I allowed it to be pulled from my grasp.

So, back to June, I was then returned in a small moment in time by a love I could never have imagined or dreamt up. There in the room again, the nurse struggled for just a second now..the blood was flowing. As I now peed all over the stretcher {sorry} the nurse told me my color was back.

My hysterical laughter scared the heck out of this poor girl so I did my best to calm myself.

Within seconds I could hear several conversations going on all over the Emergency room and my head felt as if it was under complete attack by hand grenades! The nurses' until now unnoticeable perfume made me nauseous to the point that I did vomit, thankfully not on this shell shocked young thing....The words all over the room were blocked somewhat by what I will always know deep in my heart was some encouragement and comfort from my Mother in my left ear as my crying sister appeared in the doorway to have me announce "it's okay, I'm back!"

This is in part funny now, it was truthfully somewhat funny then in a very elated kind of way. There were absolutely no medications in my system at the time of all of this for those that may be wondering.

I don't want to veer too far from where I started so I will leave what is left for a later date. The rest of my story is not vital information after all you have just heard from me with my hand on my Bible beside me.

Some of what I am trying to convey here is just how reckless drifting away from the Lord really can be, it is something that happens to all of us. I believe that when Jesus said "all those who conspired against me" even Judas was included... GOD not only knows we will sin but expects it...he is molding us and testing us. We should if we are Christians be able to embrace these valleys or perhaps simply what seems to us to be a state of limbo...I have recently come to the conclusion that this place of confusion where nothing is seemingly happening is not limbo but the very place we are being placed so that we may pay closer attention to HIM, to go deeper into our Faith...deeper into knowing him and his desires for us.

Do not confuse temptation with testing please...God will give you what you need that you need not move beyond and into temptation, should you seek it in earnest. It is in your Bible...

See Matthew 4:1-11

Forgive me my human shortcomings as I work my way onto some very solid ground with a great deal of prayer and a deeper God given understanding of humility. I will take the time I need for prayer and continue to work very hard on a story I have started concerning the people of Rwanda.

Nothing has changed in my desire to get to Africa and minister on many levels but what I am finding is that this Blog is helping me to grow in my Faith in the degree of Truth I am able to share with you. I feel accountable to you my reader and I feel a strong desire to have you know me as a Christian and as a human being. I entered this undertaking with only the certainty that I needed to "show up" and the Lord would help me to find my course. The fact that it has turned into somewhat of a Christian blog is far from lost on me and I can only pray that among my readers there will be many of you that will draw from this something you need.

Of Rwanda, these brave and gracious survivors have overcome absolutely insurmountable odds and are edging forward thanks in large part to International aide and volunteerism. All of these people are in my prayers tonight and I would like to ask you to please pray for them as well.

Be kind to yourself and be kind to one another, we are his foot soldiers after all...

Deep Love,

Malaika~

2 Timothy 2:3

Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.

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John 15:1-8

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

Am I not My Brothers Keeper?

I am once again here and humbled, it has been a rocky time. I have allowed myself to be pulled from my Path...drawn to the perimeter in many ways as of late. I have welcomed into my inner circle.. my comfort zone if you will, what I said I never would again. I had started to sway from my unqualified commitment to this Christian Life that I hold so dear. The comfort I had found here writing of Africa and equally of my journey of the soul has finally taken a firm grip on me and planted my feet back upon the Path. The Path I walk with HIM. My thoughts today are based upon the writings of Genesis...the thought of being "My Brothers Keeper" and just what that can mean. The world we live in today is one that is so packed with stress and strife, it is far beyond anything I would have thought possible in my lifetime. Who would have thought thirty years ago we would have such a thing as a "PC" a "Net book"or a "Blackberry". Who would have thought that children disappearing from within the safety of their own home would become almost commonplace. Thankful I do not have television, I choose to teach my young daughter about things like love, kindness and a sense of fairness. I have been ostracized for my use of the word God on many occasions in the last few years. These are simply not the days of Lassie and Timmy and family block parties, no instead these are the days of "Reality television" and random massacres in schools. Society has become enchanted with Voyeurism and most parents spend 15 to 45 minutes a day with their Children. It's sobering and it's true, I checked. America is obsessed in huge numbers with watching several people {strangers} thrown into a house together that go on to live every day life. Apparently the thing is, to predict which ones will have sex and which ones will tear another to shreds behind their backs on National television. This is our entertainment and motivation? Families have grown inordinately apart and yet the Country keeps moving and... progressing. There was a time when people watched out for one another, I remember it. I was free to walk down the street in my neighborhood without my Mother being all that concerned for my safety other than perhaps due to the remote possibility of being hit by a car. My daughter asked me yesterday when she will be able to go outside alone and I was at a complete loss for words. My response was, sadly "not for quite a while." We don't have a backyard due to the fact that we are apartment dwellers in a big city. The streets even in this fairly upper middle class area are not an option. The decay of society is at everyone's door, it is on everyone's mind in one way or another...So, my question is this...Are we and should we not BE our "Brother's keeper"? Should we NOT BE watching out for one another? What WILL it take people, what will it take? I ask in desperation, I ask in the hope that we can start a ripple before we all drown in our preoccupation with self... It is as you all know by now, my deepest desire to evolve on to Africa through all of my daily work towards transitioning. I am having a horrendous time getting my arms around what I will be leaving behind. For all the times I may have heard "Why Africa ?" I am left to ponder how it is people that show no apparent sign of regard for people in their own neighborhood should care if I choose to help women and children in Africa. In all the research I have done and all of the amazing people that have been put in my path I will tell you what I have found. Repeatedly I find the common denominator in African people appears to be a sense of gratitude...a graciousness we as Americans have seemingly outgrown. For all that we have and all that we cling to in our culture, all over Africa people are concerning themselves with the very real threats of daily survival. In fact such a vast number of Africans very survival is so shattered by violence and heinous crime's perpetuated against them, I refer to it as that only out of lack of a better term. Here in America and in every part of the world it seems so painfully obvious to me that it is TIME we start to be our "Brother's keeper" before it is too late. Let us pay attention, step up to the proverbial plate and instead of talking about change, actually DO IT ourselves...reach out, step away from your comfort zone and be bold. Reach inside... Surely you will find the wellspring is in there even if it has been stagnant. I pray for peace for all people and know that in God's world we truly are interconnected, we truly are brothers... and sisters. Mimi Nakupenda...In light always, Malaika~ My command to you is this: love one another as I have loved you. – John 15:12