For months now I have done my best to celebrate every moment of life, celebrate to the point of outragousness at times. I do my best to stay up and positive and even to inspire when I can. My husband Bobby and I know how to laugh and we do it all day and into the night, we share ice cream sundaes at midnight, we giggle and tease...we play with Madison at the level of an 8 year old at times when she needs it. We go to and from the V.A Hospital a great deal as tests are run and decline is as common as progress...one does envision a hellish roller coaster that doesn't have a power switch on a tough day.
So now I ask how many times have I mentioned my strength and conviction in regards to my Faith? My own rhetorical question really...those of you that have followed my journey know it has been a recurring theme, the claim to 100% faith.
Those of you that have never read any of my writing now know it has been a recurring them as I just told you so...
I have sailed many a storm with the Lord at the helm, I thought we had this down. The conclusion I have come to is that 100% faith does not exist, it is an illusion, it is not meant for mortal beings. It is reserved for the Saints and the hereafter...
This profound conclusion has shaken my Spiritual ground...for the better. It has been a Spiritual milestone for me really.
Where is there room for growth in 100% faith? Where is the wiggle room, the room for the work? My personal relationship with Christ is ever changing, ever evolving...sometimes backsliding and often a struggle. It is however my reason for being and my truest of Loves. I Love the Lord, I will sing it from the rooftops if need be...there is no shame there for me. However, I entertain no longer such hard lined "rules", conditions under which I must lay feeling the bitter cold pressed upon the dirt along with the pain I already suffer...that is not want God wants for any of us.
I have come to realize in some of my darkest hours that it is acceptance I have been lacking... not faith. A-C-C-E-P-T-A-N-C-E!
I must do my best to accept what the Lord brings my way, I will strive to have faith that he will provide what I need to handle the unknown as it reveals itself. He will not forsake me, he never has, he never will.
We pray, each of us in our own way...How can I pray to do his work and receive his guidance if I refuse to walk across what appears to be an unsafe bridge he has laid before me? It is never a trap, it will never steer you wrong...if you stray on your own... the door remains open, you can turn around never forget that...
Faith and acceptance, this is my prayer
With an impending storm approaching my Beloved and I stand united in our devotion to each other and to life...In accepting each other as husband and wife, we shared with so many of you the Love and the Joy that God had brought us.
After our paths had gone in other directions for 28 years we discovered each other on Facebook on a cold January afternoon much like the one we had today.
Music, the great heart stirring magic that it is, became part of our language that entire January day...back and forth we went, sending everything from classics to the more obscure but powerful song. between chatter we shared the sounds of Willie Nelson, Norah Jones, Johnny Cash and The Beatles... a bit of Aerosmith thrown in to move my heart in a way I had never stopped believing in but didn't count on anymore.
Bobby had pretty much stopped believing in Love...he had settled by the ocean to "ride out his years"
We met that night and the die was cast...
We knew our life would be spent as one.
We married surrounded by our big family of blood and friendship in August at a hillside home of dear friends. The backdrop of ocean and rose pink and white tulle blowing in the wind amidst the mingling sounds of laughter and eerily beautiful song, assured us our lives were rich and full in all the way that count. A beautiful Fairy Tale had begun...
Seven weeks into our idyllic and peace filled existence a Doctor confirmed what I had long suspected. I even extracted a promise from my beloved that he WOULD see a Doctor immediately after the wedding...Bobby's body is diseased and sick. Many years ago my husband abused his body with alcohol and drugs like so many of the young men and women that came home from Vietnam that were spat on by a confused, angry and ignorant society. Yes, that really did happen...it is not a rumor for anyone that turned away from the stories that spoke of it or for those of you that simply didn't know.
After some years of trying his best to hide from the atrocities that became everyday life in a blur of surrealism...Bobby found recovery, the hardcore addict with the stay the fuck away attitude and the heart once touched by God got sober.
A new reality...
There are moments in life when things are heard from Doctors that time freezes...our minds struggle to rein in an emotion as pure as feelings get. Our minds go into "Trauma" mode, those of us with PTSD especially...we do trauma
This week we face a very serious test that will tell us if anything positive has come from the pain of our raging war against disease.
This is a battle that deserves to be won. If you know my husband, you know that, if you don't I hope you will...
I ask you humbly for prayer, I thank you for your love and support...
In Love and Light,
Sharon
Mimi Nakupenda, Namaste'
