I Never thought I'd...

I never thought I’d see the day where apathy and panic simultaneously ruled the world… Apathy translates itself in so many forms it must be truly pondered to allow you to even recognize it as such. Whether it be a crowded intersection that allows a blind woman to walk into moving traffic or something as simple as a door brushing your foot at a coffee shop where someone’s text message took precedence over not only your foot but a small remnant of respect taught by someone’s mother somewhere down the line. The apathy that is allowed to bleed into a single soul eventually sears the fabric of society. Apathy causes direct pain to people that struggle hard with the depth of their skin and furthers the burden of the apathetic among us. They say “anger is fear” this is a simple concept but perhaps it is time to get a grip on our fear and find Faith… Faith can come in all forms and it should be allowed to be kept indeed private to those who wish it be. It should also be allowed to be sung strongly by those that have found a voice. Faith can overcome apathy and everything apathy spawns, I have witnessed it myself in my own life. It is a relentless pursuit, overcoming apathy…the mightiest tool of all I have found to attempt to wage this PEACE filled war between "good and evil" is JOY. Faith bestowed must be honored for me and so I do honor my creator with the Joy that permeates my soul and my skin…at times I must dance simply because the Joy pushes my body into a rhythm that I can not, will not resist. Aah…Panic Panic can cause devastation like no other… Panic weakens and paralyzes so that forward motion becomes an enigma. What ignites panic? Drama, pain and again that biggee, FEAR… Where there is Faith, there is NO fear…where this is no fear the possibilities become endless. The Joy’s eventually begin to trip over each other yet we laugh as their momentum builds as we are reminded of the origin. Faith begets Faith…how lovely, how natural.

Tolerance and Peace...we can not have one without the other

It says in Ephesians 4 Verse 3 "Always bind yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with Peace".

How many of us live that? As always I imply NO judgement, only a question for each of us to ponder. This universally understood word seems impossible in application for a vast number of man...how sad that makes me on the deepest of levels.

Every day on some level I fight this battle...I consider it a personal duty as well as a Spiritual mission. It is for me a question of fulfilling a long ago promise between myself and my personal Savior. The Joy in doing this is it's own reward as mysterious blessings find me on my everyday path each day without fail...

Until the day we become blind to color, personal religion or lack thereof as well as financial stature and other crippling prejudice we shall remain muddled in our self created maze of confusion.

Wishing you Love and Light and of course...Peace, Amani

Sharon~

Swahili with Madison and I...

The Swahili word of the day is "Sankofa"...

Wikopedia says the word means "To go back and take" which initially gave me pause...as I read It explained further...

"It is okay to go back and take that which was yours" what I take this to mean considering the deep and intense Spiritual nature of the people of Ghana is to reclaim your dignity after pain riddled growth...

I will sing of Sankofa today inside my heart...!

SANKOFA- SAN-KOH-Fa

Such a worthwhile and beautiful venture...

I along with my dearest friend in the world would like to start a new chapter but we can not do it alone...Maji and I invite you to become a part of a team of pure heart believers...

http://www.teamrafiki.org/

Souls...

Do not put out my fire nor take issue with the strength of my Spirit for I will fly from your grip...

When two people unite it is a beautiful thing, let it pull either one backward in a struggle it clearly needs to be redirected. It is a primal thing for your soul to want to tarry alongside another...if we could package the power that ignites we could surely save mankind. The other side here is to risk a fire being deprived of oxygen...or so it seems for brief moments.

feedback welcome and appreciated always as it nourishes my journey as I hope to nourish yours...

Love & Light,

Malaika~Sharon

Dear Lord...it's me, Sharon

The astonishing power of God is so prevalent in all that I see and feel right now. Truth be told I am exhausted and out of steam and yet my spirit is as lifted as it is quieted.

Since my accident I had toned down my outside responsibilities to the bare essentials as I learned to rebuild my being of body, mind and spirit. Nitty gritty real and raw...I face all things. I welcome the pain along with the deepest joy I have known to date. I find myself inspired by women of the greatest character their "stature" irrelevant ...

Whether you sit in a house in Greenwich surrounded by porcelain roses or dwell within the confines of thorns or so it seems often times in the middle of a maze of concrete...you are cut from the very cloth that I am. I celebrate our collective Light.

Just a gift through me on this anniversary of my mom's passing over...>

In Love & Light,

Sharon~

Operating from within when you feel without...

Spiritual growth is a deeply personal thing for me believe it or not. I share what I share because deep inside me there is a place that has been weaving my story in great and yet intricate detail. I have written since I was a child, it has been my constant companion and my refuge. It has also been my truest way of communicating when my emotions overtake me...any emotion be it sadness, fear or joy is far more certain to be delivered in my truest voice.

So many years have been spent in my more recent past moving beyond trauma, beyond sadness, beyond grief thankfully I have landed in a place where my growth has fortified my sense of self.

For so many years my personal power, my personal strength was up for grabs...It isn't anymore. I do falter however for I am so imperfect in this human form.

My spoken voice is far more certain however than it has ever been and it doesn't like to be quieted given it's past.

Only I can define when that happens, it is mine alone to identify and validate. In doing this there are huge decision's to be made, many feelings to sort. Back to prayer is generally where I go in my own way, deep and quiet...my answers always come. I live in a state of meditation during these times, my senses on alert. I pray to find a space with the thinnest of veils. Therefor there is no letter to open or email to check, only paths cleared, paths sometimes blocked and knots to soften.

I am learning still to be gentle with me...I am learning to stop and rest when my body screams out to me in emotional and physical exhaustion. I am learning...I am present in my journey and I am grateful for the process as well as the outcome.

Be as kind to yourself as you are to your best friend, listen to your own voice.

In Love & Light,

Sharon~

His work goes on...

"When it feels as if your world is falling apart, know at your core that you are a strong being of light"

This beautiful sentence moved me to write at this particular moment in time. All day my beloved words dance amongst the squirrel on the wire to the shrill pitch of an ambulance, they call to me. Truth is.. they own me the way a child within your womb owns you, in a magical way.

Spiritual or personal Growth is hard work, it demands your presence twenty four seven. Once I committed myself to it I had passed into a land of no "in between"...there was only truth as raw and as naked as it may prove to be. It, along with Love became at once my task master and my Bliss...

A chaotic pull on my peace of mind had begun to rub like the leather of a cheap sandal at my skin and I needed to go inward a bit. Inward for me has been to re-travel many a road, perhaps in more ways than one...

For me, I know deep in my heart and soul there will be redemption...

I pray with 100% Faith in this God that I love and trust, this God that has never forsaken me although I have at times accused him of such... I may even find deep peace while I travel about my journey in this vehicle, never forgetting what a sacred gift I have been given.

So squander not your moments...love with all your heart, pull to one another in solidarity as a member of the human race.

Always remember we are ONE... Respect this and be brave as you fight your spiritual battles amidst the chaos of a twisted time on earth.

A time where so many sit transfixed for hours before a television screen for longer periods of time than we show up for our lives...

Dig deep, Man up and Speak your truths, make them known. If there is a call, step up...write, speak, read, celebrate, create the unimaginable around you and within you, it is your right, it is your privilege.

I want you all to know the companionship of humble, wise and nurturing people has reinforced a lifetime commitment to my writing and gets me through many a dark night.

I am always aware and so often deeply moved by those of you of which I speak.

Know every joy I celebrate I celebrate for us all. Every fall I experience is buffered by the cushion of your compassion and never ending kindness.

The Lord is {again,I speak for me...I have no desire to force my beliefs upon anyone} the beginning and the end and certainly my navigator in between, I walk with him.

The rewards of what my my faith asks of me ,coupled with my thirst for a deeper knowledge of who I have become and who I seek to become in the future are beyond what I could have dreamt and yet they are not...I worked hard to have every "knot" dissolve within my soul, to lay every foundation on which to build...

I even expect as many of you already know if you know me that I will find myself immersed in Africa, fighting for the "hopeless" one day to help prove there is no such thing. I am hardly a pioneer, I am only a foot soldier...I am yet one voice. Hear it or dismiss it...

You are my friend, you are my witness and you are my "Tribe member" stay with me and share your stories as you hopefully feel moved to...

I wish you Love and I wish you peace...I wish you the courage of your convictions.

Sharon~

The deep dark passage back to page...

Why would I be surprised at all that I find myself here again...? This was my sole and my soul's retreat for so long, this is where my inspiration found it's voice. Did I think it was time to put my truest voice to rest? Suddenly I feel a sadness for Van Goghe and every tortured artist...it is important that I acknowledge this deep, unbridled and mournful passion that has been ignored causing the levy to break...My heart is heavy as my voice is stifled, it is time to emerge from my silence and once again speak with my writers voice. I will not stary far now...I am settling back in for work, the hold on my wrist is firm and unmistakable.

Goodbye to Africa...I will return in some sense inevitably for I have Loved you

It is time for me to say good bye to a beautiful chapter in an uncommon life. Whether there is anyone out in that wilderness that cares to witness this road I now choose is in a bittersweet sense unimportant...more importantly I am present in the truest sense I have ever known. What I have been busy learning now serves it's highest purpose as I make a Life with the mate of my soul. Any dream I had dared dream way off in the far periphery of my mind is dropping petals as my path. Every trauma, every pain, every injustice I have suffered or witnessed is being put into a framework of the most delightful pattern imaginable. Thank you Lord for this beautiful man whom with the twinkle of his eye captured the essence of who I am. From that moment to this my heart has blossomed unto the world in the boldest of ways, passionate and honerable.

I look forward to this unfolding wonderland with the enthusiasim of a child and the wisdom of a fully grown woman...

May God Bless us all and instill in us a sense of personable responsibility to that of humanity and to him.

In Love and Light,

Sharon~

Malaika shall always live on inside of me...

This is my beloved and this is my friend.~Song of Solomon 5:16

"Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God and knoweth God ... Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us."~1 John 4:7, 11-12~

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

Martin Luther King Jr.

Again, a mothers perspective

It is a rainy and dismal day in New England as we get the "tail end" of yet another storm. It is somewhat dismal in my mind as well as I plunge into the news coming out of Africa that I have missed in these past few weeks. Africa does not often dominate the news or even find much of a place there unless it is having to do with Piracy off the coast of Somalia or within it's region. I don't want to dismiss or ignore this tragic phenomenon I just feel it is sufficiently covered and needs to be addressed by governments rather than missionary's or civilian's.

News of Africa has to be mined from article after article to find it's place here after pulling just the right way on my heart. Once something gets close to my heart I start feeling what it is I need to be writing about and often I can even connect what resonates to current happenings in my life as I write.

All that I do passionately is felt on what I consider to be a divine level from my creator and generally comes in rushes which is probably good.

The overflowing of emotion that I feel as a human being would if it could surely harness enough wind power to light a Village.

Although It is a beautiful thing to feel pure joy fully the other side of it is that is you must also possess the strength and the faith to get you through the most grievous of pain

The article I posted earlier was one of about five that I have read today about the never ending battle against malaria and the politics that foreshadow the topic. It seems every time there is progress made there is that undertow that pulls it all back to the mud and the mire that I have spoken of before as spoken in the Bible.

Many people have no idea that Malaria is one of the world's deadliest diseases, killing nearly 900,000 people a year, most of them children in tropical Africa.

The Bill and Melinda Gates foundation along with "WHO" {the world health organization} have gained ground recently with insecticide treated mosquito netting and bedding alone.

Astonishing to realize we live in a society where people regard so highly who makes our handbags that we don't stop to consider what it would be like to pray for a mosquito repellent treated net to cover us and our babies. If I dwell on this concept I can literally feel the bile rise in my throat. I'm back and as usual I am not mincing words.

The dreams and the visions of these children that have the odds so stacked against them from birth haunt me on this miserable, rainy day. To me the sky is weeping for humanity...

There is news in the article I posted today as you may have read, out of Cambodia that there is a new resistant strain of Malaria out that will of course be bound for Africa in no time at all. Everything migrates to Africa...to prey upon the most helpless and vulnerable people the world knows. The young children and their mother's seem to be the front line that evil goes directly to the heart of as it marches forth relentlessly.

I would be amiss if I did not also mention there is much talk of a new malaria vaccine that has shown some limited success in Mozambique and a few other places in Africa. The results have shown it to be 30-50% effective when given to infants at around 10-12 weeks of age. Health experts are said to be optimistic that the malaria vaccine could be made available to African governments by the year 2012. They are also hoping with continued aggressive research that they can bring these numbers up to 70-80% effectiveness in the coming years.

So again...one step forward, two steps back. As we finally find a possible vaccine for this killer malaria, a new strain is born.

There is intense and thorough research being done by a brave African Doctor named Fredros Okumu, a Kenyan researcher at the Tanzania-based Ifakara Health Institute (IHI), Dr. Okumu believes a breakthrough in the search for a cure for the killer disease lies in a deeper understanding of the outdoor behaviours of the parasite.

His research is in fact so profound and positive as well as innovative that he has been backed by The Bill and Melinda Gates foundation. He believes the answers lie in the behaviour of the insects themselves which seems to me to make a lot of sense. This is news out of Arusha in Northern Tanzania where my heart keeps returning to time and time again.

When I stop and contemplate the obvious connections between disease, poverty and violence it seems to me that disease MUST be tackled head on in order to address the remaining issues. Imagine if you can choosing between combatting disease, poverty, hunger or violence to try and delay the inevitable...

I still would like to advocate treated mosquito nets as a small personal cause to any of you, right now they are an immediate and fairly effective means of protection. www.netsforlife.com is an effort I have a profound respect for as family by family they DO make a difference. For as little as $12 a month each of us can play a real part in bringing support and change to these people that expect so little from life.

All pettiness falls away when I become immersed in this heartbreaking reality of African mothers. I say it again and again, we are all one.

Innate in every woman is the "mother"... I know woman that are not mother's in the recognized sense of the word but trust me, they are very much, mother's. These woman give such love to their friends and family I dare anyone in my presence to argue this point. Whatever the circumstance that stopped them from having biological children is simply that, circumstance. These women in their own way of mothering have at times picked me up from the depths of darkness, usually unknowingly and unselfishly.

Suddenly anything that felt weighty to me upon waking up this morning has become almost an embarrassment. This mothers heart feels so heavy as I try to imagine not being able to protect my child from insects that will almost surely take her life. The basics that even the most mindful of us take for granted are dreams and hopes for the women of Africa. Food, shelter, safety from violence and disease should not be dreams...they should be the right of every human being.

Mimi Nakupenda,

Malaika~

Matthew 25:37 "Lord when did we ever see you hungry and feed you or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or visit you in prison? And the King will tell them, "I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me".

"Without a rich heart, wealth is an ugly beggar"Ralph Waldo Emerson...

Unbearable blow in the fight against Malaria...

Malaria Drugs: Artemisinin-Resistant Strain Appears By CHRISTOPHER SHAY Every year, thousands of workers arrive at the sapphire and ruby mines of Pailin, Cambodia, risking their lives to unearth gems in the landmine-ridden territory. Soon, however, they could be the ones to put millions of others at risk. On the Thai-Cambodian border, a rogue strain of malaria has started to resist artemisinin, the only remaining effective drug in the world's arsenal against malaria's most deadly strain, Plasmodium falciparum. For six decades, malaria drugs like chloroquine and mefloquine have fallen impotent in this Southeast Asian border area, allowing stronger strains to spread to Burma, India and Africa. But this time there's no new wonder drug waiting in the wings. "It would be unspeakably dire if resistance formed to artemisinin," says Amir Attaran, a professor of law and medicine at the University of Ottawa who has written extensively on malaria issues. Malaria strikes about 250 million people around the world every year and kills nearly a million. The mosquito-borne parasite is the third deadliest infectious disease in the world, after HIV/AIDS and tuberculosis, and most of its victims are children. With the help of tens of millions of dollars from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and various governments, the global health community - from biochemical engineers in Berkeley, Calif., to village volunteers in Battambang, Cambodia - is racing to eliminate the increasingly resistant parasite before it's too late. This week, the Global Fund signed off on a $220 million–plus project called the Affordable Medicines Facility for malaria (AMFm), a controversial two-year program that will drop the price of the recommended malaria treatment in nine malarial countries. In Cambodia, the only country in Asia participating in the program, the price of malaria medication will fall to only $0.05 per dose for distributors. Even with markups down the supply chain, the best malaria medicine will, for the first time in Cambodia, also be the cheapest. (See pictures of the Global Fund's work.) Diseases have been stamped out before. The last case of naturally occurring smallpox was in 1977, after the disease killed about 300 million people earlier in the century. But finding a cure for malaria has proven more elusive. Artemisinin, which is still considered the most effective malaria treatment today, is derived from sweet wormwood, an herb native to Asia. It's been used to fight the disease in China for more than 2,000 years, but it wasn't until 1965 that the cure was isolated and purified by the Chinese military after its soldiers started falling ill during the Vietnam War. The treatment caught on in Vietnam as a crushed powder, and after the drug reduced the malaria death toll in Vietnam 97% from 1992 to 1997, it was touted as the miracle drug that could save people everywhere from the disease. A nonprofit drugmaker in San Francisco hopes that by 2012, it will help put a synthetic artemisinin on the market at a fraction of the cost of harvesting the wormwood herb. But artemisinin has been taken in Southeast Asia for more than 30 years - more than two decades longer than in most of the world - which has given the parasite more time to adapt. Getting people to take the right treatment has also proven to be a public-health challenge. As a fast-acting drug that typically clears out the parasite in less than 72 hours but doesn't remain in the body, artemisinin is prescribed with a slower partner drug to clean out any straggler parasites that might have developed resistance. Taking a partner drug with artemisinin, called combination therapy, is required by law in Cambodia and Thailand, but it's difficult to enforce. Since the partner drug - typically mefloquine in Southeast Asia - has more side effects, some people take only the artemisinin pills. This may work to clear out the parasite for one person, but it leads to rapid drug resistance when the practice is widespread. Globally, only 3% of malaria patients receive the proper artemisinin combination therapy. (Read about the search for a vaccine.) It's not random that dangerous new strains of malaria continue to crop up on the Thai-Cambodian border. In addition to having longer years of exposure to the miracle drug, residents like the gem-mine workers rely on an unregulated, informal health sector, rife with cheap counterfeits and improper treatments. Last month, a Gates-funded study found that 60% of malaria drugs in the area were substandard or counterfeit. Many of the counterfeits contain a small amount of artemisinin so they can pass authenticity tests, and some fake drug containers have holograms logos more sophisticated than the ones on the genuine boxes. Even for experts, it can be impossible to tell the difference between the fakes and the real article just by looking at them. What's so important about this is that when you have thousands of people taking improper or low dosages, the malaria parasite develops resistance more quickly. The Global Fund's new plan proposes to solve this public-health crisis with a market-based solution. To undercut sales of counterfeits and alternative treatments, the Global Fund initiative will spend more than $220 million to subsidize genuine, effective combination-therapy drugs, and in Cambodia, it will spend an additional $10 million to ensure good distribution around the country. The idea was first proposed in 2004 by a committee of the Institute of Medicine headed by Kenneth Arrow, a winner of the 1972 Nobel Prize in Economics. The idea is that if the market is relied on to root out fake pills and bad treatments, the real drugs will come to dominate the supply. Supporters say competition between private pharmacies would keep prices low and prevent middlemen from simply pocketing the subsidies and continuing to sell fakes. "No one will want to sell counterfeits when the real doses are 5 cents," says Duong Socheat, director of Cambodia's National Malaria Center. Not everybody, however, is convinced. Bernard Nahlen, the deputy coordinator of the U.S. Malaria Initiative, says spending hundreds of millions before there's any proof that the plan will work is an ill-advised investment of finite malaria funds. "In the absence of evidence, it's a little difficult to make that leap," he says. Last year Congress specifically forbid any of the $48 billion the U.S. government slated for AIDS, tuberculosis and malaria from going to the AMFm program until it proved successful. "The biggest bang for the buck is prevention," says Nahlen. So far, the fund's market-based strategy has been tested only in two districts in Tanzania and in a small pilot in Uganda, but the results were encouraging. In Tanzania, the number of families who bought genuine artemisinin combination-therapy drugs jumped from 1% to 44% after one year, and in Uganda, the proportion of people buying the recommended drugs went from 0 to 55%. Nahlen, however, points out that local health infrastructure varies greatly, and success in one place does not necessarily mean success in another. Arrow, 88, a professor emeritus at Stanford, says he is "baffled" by the U.S.'s refusal to support the plan. The cost of global artemisinin combination-therapy subsidies, he says, would run only about $300 million a year, a relatively small amount compared to campaigns to fight HIV/AIDS and tuberculosis. Drug subsidies alone won't eliminate malaria, he admits, but combined with indoor mosquito spraying, bed nets and proper monitoring of what different areas need, Arrow says, "the world can eliminate malaria." Whatever the tactics, everybody can agree on one thing: time is running out. Modeling by the Mahidol-Oxford Tropical Medicine Research Unit published in the Malaria Journal in February predicts that if nothing is done in the next two decades, "resistance to artemisinins will be approaching 100%." And if that happens, it won't be long until the resistant strain spreads from Cambodia's precious gem mines to Africa, putting half the world's population at risk of catching what would be an untreatable, deadly disease.

It is late, I am into the next day here at my keyboard. My thoughts tonight are accompanied by an overwhelming sadness, a sadness reserved for these times. As we age we witness so very much, the older we get the more we are a part of. Being a part of Life in it's truest form brings with it unimaginable joys and at times like these deep sorrows.

I received news yesterday of a dear friend's terminal illness. I have taken this past 36 hours or so to really sit with the reality of this. I am, as you all know by now a woman of Faith, a strong and certain Faith. The inescapable fact is that my friend will before too long be home with the Lord. Although I believe fully how peaceful and beautiful that is, I ache for him and for those whose very lives he has impacted with his love and graciousness.

My heart is used to a bit of heaviness as I have always felt deeply for the collective whole, even as a child. When I was a child it was my secret, now I bring it forth...I bring it forth to the Lord and I bring it forth to you my friends. This I know we have in common, we all know this ache. Saying goodbye is so incredibly hard and yet with a deep awareness, love as well as a respect for life, we do. I pray the Lord will give me the words to say to this warm and loving friend. I also pray that those that are closest to him will have the courage it takes to comfort him and be by his side.

I have come to realize that this "Blog" is ALWAYS divinely inspired, it's content may shift a bit from time to time. My Passion and my desire as stated on that very first page remain very much intact. My resolve in fact grows deeper as the roots keep extending into God's earth only equaled by the branches that will one day bear fruit.

This journey, this Pilgrimage is to my soul and my love for humanity runs passionately through my veins.

I ask that you pray for my friend, that his suffering be brief, his moments remaining be lived fully and when he is ready Our Loving and compassionate Father take him home.

Mimi Nakupenda,

Malaika~

The eyes of the Lord watch over those who do right. Psalm 34:15

But I am like an olive tree.thriving in the house of The Lord. I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise you forever, O God, for what you have done. I will wait for your mercies in the presence of your people. Psalm 52:8-9

Swing the Pendulum...

Prior writing mistakenly put aside...

It has been far too many days away from here and away from Africa... Spiritual warfare takes place for me as it does for everyone, I too am tested constantly. It's okay and I have learned to be greatful for it as it helps me to conform to my true path, it is perhaps a bit of healthy criticism from HIM and isn't that what is at the root of all my praying? In solitude my connection to God is at it's highest level and I am very open to his teachings and to the instincts he has fine tuned inside of me. My desire grows to be face to face with people with such depth of spirit that expect so little. If I can raise that bar for a few with my hands and my heart I will be Spiritually full up. A team of us can do much good, this I know. I'll know when it is time to proced with what it will require to pull a ministry together. There are many, many things that need doing here before we can put cement onto blocks to build a Camp there...Learning to discipline myself and accomplish these tasks will be harder for me than caring for sick children. Discipline will ultimately help to get that first cement block in place and keep it there.

Africa is waging some very heavy Spiritual Warfare right now and it at times weighs on me. I have come to realize it can make my heart heavy and tire me. It makes it very hard to not simply board a plane. It is probably good right now I can't afford to do that as I have a lot of work to do in the immediate future in preparation. There have been a few coups in the last few months making it seem that it is as a nation suffering spiritual aftershocks and I believe it in fact is.

The desperation, that need that runs so deep has in an absolute form, turned to evil in the weaponry of Piracy, oppression and rampant murder. The entire Country seems impervious almost to any attempt at making and keeping laws in place. Yes of course there are parts of the Nation that are more stable than others but overall when one place starts to unravel yet again, another soon follows. WHAT can possibly fix this broken Country other than the power of Hope and Faith placed in the hands and the hearts of these people? My impossibly naive heart wants to believe that we can swing the pendulum if we band together in numbers as foot soldiers of God. FIRST...we must overcome our own obstacles whether they be that of apathy, fear, greed or countless other flaws that are seemingly contagious. Seems much of civilization has forgotten that a full and meaningful life is one that affects the world for the better, we surely were born knowing this intrinsically. How is it we forget? Mimi Nakupenda, Malaika~ “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

On my knees...

It is so easy at times to lapse into a place of "easy rest" a place where you actually forget what it is we are and where it is we came from.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is with a bittersweet sadness I tell you I wrote the paragraph above on October 11th. What that tells me as I make my way back onto these pages is that I have been allowing other things to take presidence over something very important and central for me, this Blog.

This is of course not even close to the only time I have been sidetracked or even in a place where I find myself saying to the Lord, I am sorry.

I am being moved to look back to the day I was privileged to see past here...to perhaps look through or behind the veil. Before I go forth I want you to know I tell you all of this with the deepest and most profound respect and appreciation...

When I think of that day I remember vividly every sense...sight, sound, touch, taste and of course feel... I will be as candid as I am comfortable being with this deeply personal account.

I habe resisted before but it is time apparently that I allow this part of my story to unfold as is.. it's natural inclination is now...it is time.

It was the sixth of June in the year 2006...6/6/06 written in it's true form, many were entertained writing it differently that day, I'm reasonably sure.

I had a seizure in my home that day, a serious one. Seizures are or were for me a frequent rather than infrequent occurrence for that year and the previous year after being struck by a car as a pedestrian. A life altering event...

The ambulance arrived, I have little recollection of this other than having to help with names for someone to stay with my child, I do remember being concerned about that. The police and medical personnel were able to use my cell phone to reach someone and as they arrived I was on my way down the stairs on a stretcher.

Within minutes inside the ambulance I remember a lot of rushing about, far more than any other time and I remember knowing I was going to die. Mind you I had been through this several times prior, something was very different this particular time.

I remember an odd smell and taste and then I had another Grande Mal seizure...as I lost consciousness I remember saying "please don't let me die, I have five children, one little one." The EMT's answer was "Not on my watch" but I heard something in her voice...then I vividly remember a raised voice saying something about "Tachardia"and that's all I remember for a bit...other than the sirens that sounded very far away.

When I came to again I was stacked gurney to gurney inside triage's ambulance entrance with nobody in sight...seems those numbers I mentioned brought out something especially mischievous in this hazy raining week that particular Summer.

My first thought was that perhaps I was dead...? As the minutes passed I realized I was very much alive as every bone in my body was in excruciating pain, surely this is not the hereafter I thought.

Two Grande Mal seizures back to back puts a person in grievous danger for Status Epilepticus I now know and yet there I was laying with 5-7 others not even in front of medical personnel, insanity even through my haze...

I eventually did yell out after what felt like forever, I'm sure it was more like 20 minutes? I don't know.

A very pretty but rather unsuitable nurse called an attendant over to put me somewhere so I didn't "upset anyone"...and soon I was behind a curtain where I thought perhaps I was actually being recorded as a person rather than another number in the hall. There was in a very short amount of time a young nurse trying to draw blood from my very unwilling arm, in fact I literally couldn't move it. I could feel her frustration as if it were my own and forgive the honesty, I know it's hard...I could hear many of her thoughts. She wasn't getting blood and she was afraid, there are more very private details that I will spare you for the moment as far as my body and what it was and was not doing...

I closed my eyes as I felt a warmth unlike anything I have ever felt or knew to imagine that engulfed me at that moment.

My journey was at hand...I was not shocked nor surprised, in fact I was very much at ease, happier than I had ever known.

Other than the feeling of warmth and intense comfort I was immediately very much aware of a presence, a loving and all knowing brilliant presence. I was assured immediately that I was not going anywhere although there was not a fiber of my very light being that was even contemplating it, this feeling was far too wonderful to do anything BUT bask in it.

I still today close my eyes at times and try to feel it again but of course I can't, the trying causes me to tear up at times and those are for me, moments of sheer bliss as it does cause me to feel that much closer to the Lord.

The beautiful truth is, I now live in the light of the Lord and am always aware...lapses or no lapses...he is with me and I feel it.

My eloquent messenger had never uttered a sound and yet...I was instilled with a sense of peace and a sense of knowing. I was reminded that I have a purpose and had lost track of what it was...it was crystal clear to me that I was brought to this place to be reminded in a very concise but gentle way that I was to use my compassion and love of words and to share and teach selflessly. I had as a child wanted to go into the Peace Corps yet lacking conviction and discipline I allowed it to be pulled from my grasp.

So, back to June, I was then returned in a small moment in time by a love I could never have imagined or dreamt up. There in the room again, the nurse struggled for just a second now..the blood was flowing. As I now peed all over the stretcher {sorry} the nurse told me my color was back.

My hysterical laughter scared the heck out of this poor girl so I did my best to calm myself.

Within seconds I could hear several conversations going on all over the Emergency room and my head felt as if it was under complete attack by hand grenades! The nurses' until now unnoticeable perfume made me nauseous to the point that I did vomit, thankfully not on this shell shocked young thing....The words all over the room were blocked somewhat by what I will always know deep in my heart was some encouragement and comfort from my Mother in my left ear as my crying sister appeared in the doorway to have me announce "it's okay, I'm back!"

This is in part funny now, it was truthfully somewhat funny then in a very elated kind of way. There were absolutely no medications in my system at the time of all of this for those that may be wondering.

I don't want to veer too far from where I started so I will leave what is left for a later date. The rest of my story is not vital information after all you have just heard from me with my hand on my Bible beside me.

Some of what I am trying to convey here is just how reckless drifting away from the Lord really can be, it is something that happens to all of us. I believe that when Jesus said "all those who conspired against me" even Judas was included... GOD not only knows we will sin but expects it...he is molding us and testing us. We should if we are Christians be able to embrace these valleys or perhaps simply what seems to us to be a state of limbo...I have recently come to the conclusion that this place of confusion where nothing is seemingly happening is not limbo but the very place we are being placed so that we may pay closer attention to HIM, to go deeper into our Faith...deeper into knowing him and his desires for us.

Do not confuse temptation with testing please...God will give you what you need that you need not move beyond and into temptation, should you seek it in earnest. It is in your Bible...

See Matthew 4:1-11

Forgive me my human shortcomings as I work my way onto some very solid ground with a great deal of prayer and a deeper God given understanding of humility. I will take the time I need for prayer and continue to work very hard on a story I have started concerning the people of Rwanda.

Nothing has changed in my desire to get to Africa and minister on many levels but what I am finding is that this Blog is helping me to grow in my Faith in the degree of Truth I am able to share with you. I feel accountable to you my reader and I feel a strong desire to have you know me as a Christian and as a human being. I entered this undertaking with only the certainty that I needed to "show up" and the Lord would help me to find my course. The fact that it has turned into somewhat of a Christian blog is far from lost on me and I can only pray that among my readers there will be many of you that will draw from this something you need.

Of Rwanda, these brave and gracious survivors have overcome absolutely insurmountable odds and are edging forward thanks in large part to International aide and volunteerism. All of these people are in my prayers tonight and I would like to ask you to please pray for them as well.

Be kind to yourself and be kind to one another, we are his foot soldiers after all...

Deep Love,

Malaika~

2 Timothy 2:3

Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.

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John 15:1-8

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.