Four weeks into hell...

Today marked the third Sunday to follow the one on which my beloved left me for his journey home. How is it that given that much time I am still flailing about aching for his hand, his touch, the sound of his voice...especially his voice.  How will I live? How will I accept that I will never sit on his lap or coo in the hollow of his neck...my world, my very being is feeling hollow and raw.

I feel as though life has taken on an absurd quality, having surpassed surreal...leaving it behind at some point, I know not when. There is an edge I feel now that I never felt before, the edge is most likely anger...I've never been big on anger. I have never seen the point in holding on to anger especially...where is the sense in it.

I am angry that my husband that I adore is gone, I am angry that he didn't get more time, I am angry that WE didn't get more time too, damn it!  I feel we were cheated...I have this past week cried out to God..."WHY, WHY WHY WHY"???? Did I not promise my life to you totally, I told you I will do your work always, I will devote myself selflessly to doing as you have asked...this didn't feel like a deal, a sacrifice, it felt pure, genuine and right.  Could you not have been kinder to us?

For tonight, for right now...I am angry, I am hurt...part of me feels betrayed. I want my husband back, I want him in his chair near me, smiling that beautiful knowing, tender smile that he only smiled to me..the one that said, you are my beloved and I am yours.

I will allow myself this...I can not deny my hearts it's intense need to bleed for a bit.

You made me imperfect and I am sure feeling imperfect right now...

Bogey's officially a "lapcat"

Okay, it's happened...he wouldn't like it but it has happened. His studmuffin cat has learned to crawl into my lap and purr and nudge me until I pet him. I look down at him and his hulky frame that makes him an unlikely candidate for lapcat of the month and sigh...
our kitty just looks right at me and we connect as if to say "yup, he's gone now" I drip tears on him, he gets irritated and leaves...seems the noise in the kitchen aka Alice Trouble Herne aka Alice made that choice an easy one.

"Honey come look at the kitties" I'd say to B. he'd walk in shake his head and smile that smile of his and time would freeze for a second...one of those moments when you say "if this as happy as I ever get, that's great"... wow, did we have lots and lots of those. I loved that man, there is a major fault in my heart that will shift on me when I least expect it. When I saw something I saw it for both of us, always...how can I change that? I won't change that.

Is this real...?

For every lucid moment I am gifted with there is a moment of sorrow so deep I watch my skin to see if it will pierce me somewhere...how can it not, I ponder...how can it not. 


Some of you know some of you don't, my Beloved husband succumbed to a hateful liver affliction two weeks ago today. Part of me died that day...




I am at once trying to suspend time and throw myself into the future, I am at a place to write in...the chill is nearly enough to validate the ache in my bones that is stoked by the eery liquid sadness in my heart, a dark pocket in me wants it to simply stop beating...to catch up to the soul in me. 


Surely our souls can not ever be separated, this is incomprehensible to me, I refuse to believe it. 


I want his company, I want him to whisper to me. I know one day it will happen and I will have that little bit back again. There was the day...the day was as sad as it was perfect. 


The angels came for my husband and we said our goodbyes as soft, private and forever as one could ever possibly dream of...


I will revisit this tender place it is within me at all times, tonight I am drained. 


Let me just close by saying I have very big plans for the future...my path lays before me and I will step back on it.  


Maji and a few close friends that we believe God has brought together and I have begun the  creation of a healthy Faith, Love and healing based retreat, { full yoga program as included well by a certified Yogini }  all set in the mountains of New Hampshire. 


He is working through me as he is strengthening my Faith and for all of it I acknowledge his blessings...Lord do with me as you wish, I am here...




Nakupenda




Malaika~ 

Love and Light always...

Soulshine

Stopped dead in my tracks...denial doesn't suit anyone. Fuzzy...I am feeling that awful blur that follows a "sleep seizure", which I had last night and perhaps last week too, as this horrifying bullshit was unleashed. Or perhaps it is intense shock...too fuzzy, not sure. Get better Bobby, fight, remember you have a beautiful life to come back to...please come back.

This resounds in my sore and fuzzy head as the mother of all headaches...
Wait on me Baby, wait...I will be there tomorrow. Today I will care for my soul and my heart and my bones. Today I will attempt to be kind to myself...my head, my belly, I may even take a bath then I will hug my little Mads and be sure her heart and her soul are okay today. She misses her Dad and is trying to process  this with her little eight year old heart...she needs comfort and God will be there with us.

100% Faith?

We live life as it comes once we have learned that life is about the love, the love is ALL...

For months now I have done my best to celebrate every moment of life, celebrate to the point of outragousness at times. I do my best to stay up and positive and even to inspire when I can. My husband Bobby and I know how to laugh and we do it all day and into the night, we share ice cream sundaes at midnight, we giggle and tease...we play with Madison at the level of an 8 year old at times when she needs it. We go to and from the V.A Hospital a great deal as tests are run and decline is as common as progress...one does envision a hellish roller coaster that doesn't have a power switch on a tough day.

So now I ask how many times have I mentioned my strength and conviction in regards to my Faith?  My own rhetorical question really...those of you that have followed my journey know it has been a recurring theme, the claim to 100% faith.
Those of you that have never read any of my writing now know it has been a recurring them as I just told you so...

I have sailed many a storm with the Lord at the helm, I thought we had this down. The conclusion I have come to is that 100% faith does not exist, it is an illusion, it is not meant for mortal beings. It is reserved for the Saints and the hereafter...

This profound conclusion has shaken my Spiritual ground...for the better. It has been a Spiritual milestone for me really.

Where is there room for growth in 100% faith? Where is the wiggle room, the room for the work?  My personal relationship with Christ is ever changing, ever evolving...sometimes backsliding and often a struggle. It is however my reason for being and my truest of Loves. I Love the Lord, I will sing it from the rooftops if need be...there is no shame there for me. However, I entertain no longer such hard lined "rules", conditions under which I must lay feeling the bitter cold pressed upon the dirt along with the pain I already suffer...that is not want God wants for any of us.

 I have come to realize in some of my darkest hours that it is acceptance I have been lacking... not faith. A-C-C-E-P-T-A-N-C-E!

I must do my best to accept what the Lord brings my way, I will strive to have faith that he will provide what I need to handle the unknown as it reveals itself. He will not forsake me, he never has, he never will.

We pray, each of us in our own way...How can I pray to do his work and receive his guidance if I refuse to walk across what appears to be an unsafe bridge he has laid before me? It is never a trap, it will never steer you wrong...if you stray on your own... the door remains open, you can turn around never forget that...

Faith and acceptance, this is my prayer


With an impending storm approaching my Beloved and I stand united in our devotion to each other and to life...In accepting each other as husband and wife, we shared with so many of you the Love and the Joy that God had brought us.

After our paths had gone in other directions for 28 years we discovered each other on Facebook on a cold January afternoon much like the one we had today.

Music, the great heart stirring magic that it is, became part of our language that entire January day...back and forth we went, sending  everything from classics to the more obscure but powerful song. between chatter we shared the sounds of Willie Nelson, Norah Jones, Johnny Cash and The Beatles... a bit of Aerosmith thrown in to move my heart in a way I had never stopped believing in but didn't count on anymore.

Bobby had pretty much stopped believing in Love...he had settled by the ocean to "ride out his years"

We met that night and the die was cast...

We knew our life would be spent as one.

We married surrounded by our big family of blood and friendship in August at a hillside home of dear friends. The backdrop of ocean and rose pink and white tulle blowing in the wind amidst the mingling sounds of laughter and eerily beautiful song, assured us our lives were rich and full in all the way that count. A beautiful Fairy Tale had begun...

Seven weeks into our idyllic and peace filled existence a Doctor confirmed what I had long suspected.  I even extracted a promise from my beloved that he WOULD see a Doctor immediately after the wedding...Bobby's body is diseased and sick. Many years ago my husband abused his body with alcohol and drugs like so many of the young men and women that came home from Vietnam that were spat on by a confused, angry and ignorant society. Yes, that really did happen...it is not a rumor for anyone that turned away from the stories that spoke of it or for those of you that simply didn't know.

After some years of trying his best to hide from the atrocities that became everyday life in a blur of surrealism...Bobby found recovery, the hardcore addict with the stay the fuck away attitude and the heart once touched by God got sober.

This man that I am clearly quite proud of then took control of his ship...remember we know our ships are never sailed alone so this junkie went on to become a College graduate so that he would be able to dedicate his life to helping fellow addicts turn their lives around guided by his tough love and the grace of God. My husband is greatly respected and loved amongst his peers, he did it the old fashioned way, he earned it.

A new reality...
There are moments in life when things are heard from Doctors that time freezes...our minds struggle to rein in an emotion as pure as feelings get. Our minds go into "Trauma" mode, those of us with PTSD especially...we do trauma

This week we face a very serious test that will tell us if anything positive has come from the pain of our raging war against disease.

This is a battle that deserves to be won. If you know my husband, you know that, if you don't I hope you will...

I ask you humbly for prayer, I thank you for your love and support...

In Love and Light,

Sharon

Mimi Nakupenda, Namaste'

Feeling the Fury...Mother to Mother

Feeling her fury shake my house while my heart is quivering along with my lip tonight...The Nor'easter that is covering our island with her white cold is seemingly disregarding our presence as the wind attempts to wipe us away. It is scary but truth be told it is energizing my being while we shake together, she and I. Nothing is as scary as the uncertainties lately.

This terrifying ground my loving husband and I find our self on has been much the same these past few weeks. We both saw his obvious progress and were like giddy kids,celebrating and simply enjoying our reprieve.

The last small handful of days we've seen some initially worrisome and now disappointing signs that this beast is determined to leave my beloved feeling battered...

My Faith and I wrestle a bit daily and yet I cling to God, my Father, as I know he is my source of strength now and forever. This furious wind will NOT break down the strong walls built on the concrete foundation that holds it safely in place. In that same way the tumultuous force that attempts to ravage my soul or dampen our spirits, will NOT.

For now I leave you...prayers always welcomed and deeply appreciated.

In Light and Love,

Sharon

One day I will go home, until then I remain his footsoldier...

The Silver Cord

Truth and all that it offers is worth every tear ever shed due to it's impact. I am learning that the  more I embrace truth, the more empowered I become. The value of life can not be measured by one that has not lived it.

Acceptance is not resignation, people have difficulty with this concept... I fumble to explain it even though it is my soul's "mode" during these trying times. I find I am comfortable and keenly aware in this state so I will elaborate.

My husband is "ill", we acknowledge this as "fact" in a scientific sense and fight fiercely the beast that threatens us. What we choose to accept as our "truth" does not coincide with any "diagnosis" however and this is not to be mistaken for denial by any means.
One can not accept something and deny it, it becomes moot. We accept that the body shows a condition we do not and will not resign ourselves to as a conclusion unless it becomes known to us as such.

We refuse to be reduced to statistics.  I say "our" because this beautiful man I married was sent to me because I had prepared myself just as he had...we have work to do. We are ourselves now that we are together, simply put.

I was blessed today in a most extraordinary way, it breathed life into me in a way only God can.

People under exceptional circumstances can bridge a gap for others in a rather profound way, I know this first hand.
This will get tricky for you as a reader if you did not start at the beginning of the blog as I suggested in the header...time has become so valuable you see that I can not back-track if you will, at this point.
Sob Back to bridging the gap...I have had the gift of being a vessel through which a loved one has reached out to someone here in this life with a message. There was a time when it was a far larger part of me than it has been for quite a while, sadly. To remain in a place where this occurs or anything related to it even, requires solitude and prayer for me...often for many, many hours. Being newly married and having an eight year old child to raise as lovely as that is will infringe on privacy never mind solitude! 
My husband suffers that same fate and I know he too misses his solitude often, we are working on it. There is so much that is good about finding real love with your soul's mate this late in the game....much of it is being able to trust that you have each others needs truly at heart and we do.

I apologize for wandering off...my mind and heart are still settling in with the events of the day.
I sat today with a very sick friend that means the world to me. We sat hand in hand and there was a profound connecting that took place as we indulged in some very real discussion. I am forever changed and I know she is as well. Everyone of us that was there today as a small group was connected and elevated to a place one has a rare opportunity to visit.
 I have spoken before of what I see as a veil, today the veil was thin and a deep desire coupled with a pure heart was the only price of admission beyond that veil. I have missed this state more than I had realized, I am brought to tears yet again as I realize this. Today  the tables had turned and I was on the receiving end of information,  I was the one being comforted by loved ones on the other side. My beautiful friend was the vessel or the earth angel, Spiritual warrior... whatever term you prefer.

Life is so much more poignant and precious when you are able to accept that we really are all very much connected regardless of the where's or the how's.

 I know this is a lot for many to swallow, I only offer it up with the deepest respect and the hope that it is accepted in the manor in which it is meant. It is in the beginning and in the end all about the love that connects us, always. I was blessed to see a silvery cord between two people that shared a profound love, what a gift that was all by itself. My friend's husband is clearly her soulmate and I thank them for what I was able to witness. I am blessed and honored.

 If you are still reading, I ask you to please pray for my friend and her family, pray for my husband and I and then spend some real time  praying for yourself. Pray that your heart opens itself up to receive love from all plateaus. When it is pure love it comes from many a source.

As always I send you love and I send you light,

Sharon...

Nakupenda,

 Malaika~

Through the Fire

Be "Mindful"...we hear this all the time, some take the time to try and figure out the how's and some even the whys of that word. Then there are those of us that have mastered it to some degree and have seen the transformation from dark to Light. For some the road is as simple as acting "as if " the trick being to stay the course, easier said than done ironically. In saying I have entered into a state of mastering is simply to say that I acknowledge it is all brought about in HIS time, not mine and I recognize how vast a course any stage can be. God has always liked to boot me in the ass for lack of a better term, there isn't one. I humbly acknowledge that it takes that to get my full and rapt attention sometimes. I am one to take emotions and thoughts to an extreme, that is my comfort zone which is hard for many to grasp, I like the trenches and there is no fear for me there.

Living in the present moment affords me many choices on any given day to act or react in a way that can build a bridge or tear one down, it is left up to me. Living in the moment challenges me minute by minute to grasp a moment and squeeze the juice right out of it and I do. Doing this repeatedly makes life rather fluid and I can no longer do it comfortably any other way. When I find myself swimming against the tide or "white knuckling" ANYTHING, I MUST pause to remember self sabotage is not an uncommon practice in this human form. I am here to Love and to learn, teaching and giving of oneself is a means to an end in the best possible form...it is proof of a life well lived, a life lived in the moments we are talking of.

Epiphanies equal change, often times as they permeate our Psyche and spill into our hearts, presumably making the heart larger...they bring along tremendous pain.

That tremendous pain will then often catapult us into a higher place, a place free of a need to judge, a place where only the things built on, around or with love matter.

Ask a mother that has lost a child what a handful of moments are worth. How about posing the same question to a woman left alone to raise three young boys when her husband dies without warning due to a twist of fate.

Let us ponder a couple deeply in love after being reunited in their later years, they go on to marry and see a whole new life before them at a time when many are resigning themselves to closing out their lives. Imagine what value is placed on their "moments"...Now imagine that same couple finding out six weeks into their heaven on earth finding out the other has a terminal illness. Moments are all they have...if it wasn't their truth before it has certainly become their bittersweet truth now, hasn't it?

Every day, all over the world we live...consciously or unconsciously...the choice is yours, really. Knowing you have this choice why would you choose anything other than joy? I encourage you with all my heart to live from your heart without reservation, without revisiting yesterday...without dread for things that have not happened. I can promise you this, living this way you will live with a sense of wonder and gratitude, you will feel everything and I offer this to you...there IS no other way.

My Love to you comes out with Light and powerful intention...find your peace and give from it freely

Nakupenda,

Malaika

Of Saviors

The beauty of this Life is far beyond anything I could have choreographed, beyond anything I could have imagined even. Learning to love this big Love, this Love that is clearly divinity in it's purest form has delighted my soul endlessly. Should I pass forward on this night I will have shone as my truest self leaving only books unwritten not words unsaid nor love unleashed.

My husband, my true partner and I share a heart it seems at times and for that I am eternally grateful. Had he, my great father in heaven chosen not to pound me and pummel me at times by my own will I would not be the person I am today. The soul that I am within this vessel would not have found it's way back to my Beloved. God has given me so much in polishing my edges and my Life now is spent sharing who I am as this Tribe begins to congregate and this Life becomes richer.

Yes, I was saved and then Life began in earnest knowing that not only was every hair on my head counted but loved. The very same woman that lived much as a victim for many a year no longer settles for less than what the Lord would have for me. My journey toward my husband complete my journey with my husband has begun.

Why all beautiful stories must be visited by tragedy remains a mystery to many but as I have indicated so many times in my writings, I know longer question my God. Although I trust him and don't question him, I have as of late cried to him for a miracle. I cry to him still and some night I ask him to simply cover me in the knowledge that all will be well.

My husband, this man that delights me with the Irish twinkle I never fail to miss in his eyes...is ill and my heart is heavy. I ask that you pray for him. Pray for him for the man that he is, for the life he has lived and the selfless way he has conducted his life after suffering his own horrors for some years. A different road is often chosen by a lesser man...my husbands choices spoke of the spirit that lies within him in this earthly packaging. A miracle is due here, I believe...I humbly ask our Lord and I hope you will too.

We have many years ahead to love one another and give OF ourselves, that is our desire and has always been our calling.

God Bless you all my friends, my Tribe members...like speaks to like and you are never alone.

Iluminatio Mea Dominus...

I leave you in light

Nakupenda,

Sharon ...Malaika

Calling all angels...

Off in the distance I see small headlights, barely a glint...I was called to the window here on my island by the cackle of a crow at just before midnight. It was over my shoulder as I sat to write...My brother, Donny since passing over, drops reminders often if I ask, crows and songs mostly will delight my heart time and time again. It has been this way since a month or less after he made his way home. He is at peace, I know this with conviction.

Sacred, this Life. Never have I felt so vulnerable or pained before and I stumble to pray often now. I feel as though I have laid my heart before the Lord bloody and battered. Never before have I been in a place where I have been called upon to show 100% pure Faith, never. I am rigid and aching inside at the deafening and twisted irony that has been handed down.

I Love you God with all my heart, I pray for your mercy and with great humility for a miracle. Great Love is loving someone more than you love yourself and have that mirrored back to you...God's Unity is celebrated daily, hour by hour. "As it was in the beginning it will be in the end"

I shall trust your will as I know you are a just and loving God.

Oh Afrika...how you call to me

Life has been good to me. GOD has been good to me...the pain I have endured and the true suffering I have known have created who I am. The relinquishing of power is one a process and two an elevated state. Watching one's body age is a grueling and yet soothing place to find yourself is it not...bittersweet and sweet nonetheless.

This "elevated state" I speak of feeds and nourishes the soul, making the lines on my face blur into simply the witnesses they are to all I have known. I will catch a sparkle in my own eyes now that didn't exist before now. I greet each silvery white hair, I am going to attempt to befriend it and let it come...I don't feel the need to "hide" anything anymore. This huge gift, I am enjoying comes at a cost...bravery of heart. It's a great deal...this writer believes

The Joy I feel from the touch of my Husband to that of a beautiful and nurturing phone conversation with my fully grown and astonishing Daughter. These are only two examples of what jumpstart my tired heart in the course of everyday life. EVERY DAY LIFE...yes we have this every day...life. Every day breaks down to every moment, live them.

Just one morning brought news of two deaths today. The word mindful that is my friend is clearly and inevitably a double edged sword. It's HIS plan, HIS orchestration...we must embrace it all, drop for drop. Or stand in denial of it all in a state of deprivation.

I will choose bravery of heart, he has more in store for me...I feel it.

God I Love you, bring it on...you have left me with the preparation I need when I pray for fortitude and acceptance.

Wishing you moments, fully lived.

Malaika...yes feelin Malaika today. ;)

I Never thought I'd...

I never thought I’d see the day where apathy and panic simultaneously ruled the world… Apathy translates itself in so many forms it must be truly pondered to allow you to even recognize it as such. Whether it be a crowded intersection that allows a blind woman to walk into moving traffic or something as simple as a door brushing your foot at a coffee shop where someone’s text message took precedence over not only your foot but a small remnant of respect taught by someone’s mother somewhere down the line. The apathy that is allowed to bleed into a single soul eventually sears the fabric of society. Apathy causes direct pain to people that struggle hard with the depth of their skin and furthers the burden of the apathetic among us. They say “anger is fear” this is a simple concept but perhaps it is time to get a grip on our fear and find Faith… Faith can come in all forms and it should be allowed to be kept indeed private to those who wish it be. It should also be allowed to be sung strongly by those that have found a voice. Faith can overcome apathy and everything apathy spawns, I have witnessed it myself in my own life. It is a relentless pursuit, overcoming apathy…the mightiest tool of all I have found to attempt to wage this PEACE filled war between "good and evil" is JOY. Faith bestowed must be honored for me and so I do honor my creator with the Joy that permeates my soul and my skin…at times I must dance simply because the Joy pushes my body into a rhythm that I can not, will not resist. Aah…Panic Panic can cause devastation like no other… Panic weakens and paralyzes so that forward motion becomes an enigma. What ignites panic? Drama, pain and again that biggee, FEAR… Where there is Faith, there is NO fear…where this is no fear the possibilities become endless. The Joy’s eventually begin to trip over each other yet we laugh as their momentum builds as we are reminded of the origin. Faith begets Faith…how lovely, how natural.

Tolerance and Peace...we can not have one without the other

It says in Ephesians 4 Verse 3 "Always bind yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with Peace".

How many of us live that? As always I imply NO judgement, only a question for each of us to ponder. This universally understood word seems impossible in application for a vast number of man...how sad that makes me on the deepest of levels.

Every day on some level I fight this battle...I consider it a personal duty as well as a Spiritual mission. It is for me a question of fulfilling a long ago promise between myself and my personal Savior. The Joy in doing this is it's own reward as mysterious blessings find me on my everyday path each day without fail...

Until the day we become blind to color, personal religion or lack thereof as well as financial stature and other crippling prejudice we shall remain muddled in our self created maze of confusion.

Wishing you Love and Light and of course...Peace, Amani

Sharon~

Swahili with Madison and I...

The Swahili word of the day is "Sankofa"...

Wikopedia says the word means "To go back and take" which initially gave me pause...as I read It explained further...

"It is okay to go back and take that which was yours" what I take this to mean considering the deep and intense Spiritual nature of the people of Ghana is to reclaim your dignity after pain riddled growth...

I will sing of Sankofa today inside my heart...!

SANKOFA- SAN-KOH-Fa

Such a worthwhile and beautiful venture...

I along with my dearest friend in the world would like to start a new chapter but we can not do it alone...Maji and I invite you to become a part of a team of pure heart believers...

http://www.teamrafiki.org/