Dear Lord...it's me his wife

I wonder every day will this be the day it crumbles, my shattered heart...? I want my Beloved back Lord...we were dreaming dreams, making plans...what about Memphis?  Remember I told him I would sleep on the beach with him or live in a cardboard box as long as we were together and he cried...? Remember Lord??? Remember the day I was crying silently about bills and someone had hurt my feelings and he pulled the car over and said as he took my hand in his "Listen Baby, from this moment on you defer to me" as I wept and looked back in disbelief he said "Be my wife"...we erupted in laughter and said "everyone will think we're crazy...it's been three days!" and he said "Fck em!" Remember that time Lord?
What about how I held his head in my lap and touched his face for hours and he would sometimes weep or fall off into a distant dream...WHAT ABOUT THAT LORD??????????


I feeel so betrayed and I want him back!

Falling into the rabbit hole

Feels as though my footing grows secure and then my ankle is pulled into a place where the ground grows astonishingly slippery so quickly....
Tonight as I lay in a tub of water as hot as I could stand it... I realized I am so touch deprived and warm knowing smile lonely that I felt as though I were melting as I brought my entire head under the water.
Then I began to cry like the primal animal that I feel myself to be.


I have started to move forward with my life, deciphering the sea of paperwork realizing.. this might be as sane as i will get...

The magnet that used to be known as my bed calls to me at all hours... except the hours that allow society to keep it's status quo with me somewhere along the fringes. I come alive at midnight and I pray, think and choke through growth...often alone, many times on the phone with Paula... sometimes I am blessed to swim through it, slowly allowing myself the freedom to keep reality away to a point. 
My husband is really not coming back...


I must take this better me and walk, breathe and yes begin to believe I can place my foot back on that path that I was happily skipping when I met and fell in love with this soulmate of mine...we will meet again but until our appointed time, all the grief I subconsciously avoid must be gone through even if I must cry...my way through at times.


My path has begun to call to me strongly, it calls to me louder than the comparative whisper the prospect of quitting on myself or my Beloved utters.


As usual God pushed hard this time, he allowed my body to start to break down. Your body will point things out to you that you are ignoring...


Always.


I have been having serious spasms in my face and even my jaw...not pain, twitching...


I don't know if this will stop after my massive emotional spillage, one can hope and one can certainly pray.


As always, you have my heart for I've left it here as humble as it is...for you.


Nakupenda,
Namaste',
God bless you.
Love,


Sharon...Malaika