Tonight as I lay in a tub of water as hot as I could stand it... I realized I am so touch deprived and warm knowing smile lonely that I felt as though I were melting as I brought my entire head under the water.
Then I began to cry like the primal animal that I feel myself to be.
I have started to move forward with my life, deciphering the sea of paperwork realizing.. this might be as sane as i will get...
The magnet that used to be known as my bed calls to me at all hours... except the hours that allow society to keep it's status quo with me somewhere along the fringes. I come alive at midnight and I pray, think and choke through growth...often alone, many times on the phone with Paula... sometimes I am blessed to swim through it, slowly allowing myself the freedom to keep reality away to a point.
My husband is really not coming back...
I must take this better me and walk, breathe and yes begin to believe I can place my foot back on that path that I was happily skipping when I met and fell in love with this soulmate of mine...we will meet again but until our appointed time, all the grief I subconsciously avoid must be gone through even if I must cry...my way through at times.
My path has begun to call to me strongly, it calls to me louder than the comparative whisper the prospect of quitting on myself or my Beloved utters.
As usual God pushed hard this time, he allowed my body to start to break down. Your body will point things out to you that you are ignoring...
Always.
I have been having serious spasms in my face and even my jaw...not pain, twitching...
I don't know if this will stop after my massive emotional spillage, one can hope and one can certainly pray.
As always, you have my heart for I've left it here as humble as it is...for you.
Nakupenda,
Namaste',
God bless you.
Love,
Sharon...Malaika
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