Four weeks into hell...

Today marked the third Sunday to follow the one on which my beloved left me for his journey home. How is it that given that much time I am still flailing about aching for his hand, his touch, the sound of his voice...especially his voice.  How will I live? How will I accept that I will never sit on his lap or coo in the hollow of his neck...my world, my very being is feeling hollow and raw.

I feel as though life has taken on an absurd quality, having surpassed surreal...leaving it behind at some point, I know not when. There is an edge I feel now that I never felt before, the edge is most likely anger...I've never been big on anger. I have never seen the point in holding on to anger especially...where is the sense in it.

I am angry that my husband that I adore is gone, I am angry that he didn't get more time, I am angry that WE didn't get more time too, damn it!  I feel we were cheated...I have this past week cried out to God..."WHY, WHY WHY WHY"???? Did I not promise my life to you totally, I told you I will do your work always, I will devote myself selflessly to doing as you have asked...this didn't feel like a deal, a sacrifice, it felt pure, genuine and right.  Could you not have been kinder to us?

For tonight, for right now...I am angry, I am hurt...part of me feels betrayed. I want my husband back, I want him in his chair near me, smiling that beautiful knowing, tender smile that he only smiled to me..the one that said, you are my beloved and I am yours.

I will allow myself this...I can not deny my hearts it's intense need to bleed for a bit.

You made me imperfect and I am sure feeling imperfect right now...