My days come and they go like any others...I am forever changed now though. Throughout my days I find signs of support, signs of encouragement and many clear cut divine messages now.
Once you experience what I like to call a "Divine message" enough times there is an end to any skepticism you may have once had. Having experienced the fine line between life and death after already surviving a lifetime of trauma and tragedy as well will bring about change there is no option. Life is fluid...
Earlier in my Faith I would often wonder "Why me"...why did I not turn bitter? Why did I not give up? I feel a shiver run down my spine when I even remember pondering those questions.
I wish I could say I have a very profound answer, I do not.
What I do have is a very profound Faith that carries me through sadness, disappointment, tragedy and everything else may come my way. Being "saved" does not assure me an exempt status. In fact, I believe I may be tested more now and harder to sure up that Faith for what is to come.
Having survived all that I have survived has done something quite lovely really...it has afforded me the luxury of an incredibly open heart. This same quality is also one that brings pain for I am sensitive to anything I see as mean spirited and sadly there is no shortage of that in the world. Even being misunderstood can be a source of daily pain for it is always in my plan as I set out each day to be kind, to touch people whenever possible. I set out as a Shepherd really. My heart is a giving heart as I have been so very blessed in my life that I yearn to give back.
What I have learned as I dig deeper into my soul and into the words of the Bible is that GOD is my bottom line as he is also my beginning. The closer I stay to him the more I am able to smile or gracefully get through any situation rather than react in a way that serves no purpose and typically worsens the situation.
So often at the end of the day I find I am devoting more and more prayer to anyone that hurt or offended me that very day. You see my heart hurts for them because so many people are simply afraid and lonely or lost in one way or another. I feel the ache of humanity and I believe I always have, it just took a long time for it all to make sense. My pain has turned into something of great value and I am forever grateful for every trial and every tribulation.
My beautiful angel, Madison and I set out on an expedition the other day and we passed one sign after the other for a "GIANT Yard sale" I had about $1.30 in my pocket...to most it would seem crazy that I would have taken that left and walked down that street with Madison.
I didn't even make a conscious choice that I recall.
I have been giving things away little by little as we we will be leaving by this time next year and I feel the need to slowly purge and also teach this to Madison as well in as healthy and as child friendly a way as possible.
I clearly was standing at this yard sale with no "intention" whatsoever. It was as if I was pulled by a space size magnet right to a stack of pictures leaning up against a tree.
I had just this past month given two pictures away and was happy at the space left behind as well as the act of giving away something cherished. My need for ownership has left me with a peace left in it's place. My "riches" are not earthly in nature.
I flipped through the first two pictures, nothing, I mean nothing at all...as I tilted the third backward I felt my body get very warm and I became lightheaded. Beneath my fingertips was an astonishingly beautiful oil pastel of a Somali Woman holding her child to her in an embrace. My eyes were filled immediately and I was connected in a very powerful way once again to all of the beautiful colors and images of my dreams. I was "home"...that is all I knew and that was all that mattered, I was home.
After some friendly persuasion the lovely woman that seemed to be running the show agreed to hold it for me for three days until I could afford the twenty dollars they were asking for this treasure that represented a whole new way of life for my beautiful and free spirited Madison and I. It was also a very strong and heartfelt sign that I had asked for that very morning when I knelt in prayer, another confirmation that my path is indeed being watched. I do not question my calling ever, it is infinitely what I am meant to do and as Madison's personality emerges it is right for her as well. I have had five children, the others grown now so I do have a bit of wisdom that comes with Mothering.
This child has work to do, important work...she was sent to me because God knew I would recognize that and I do. Our life will be abundant and full, definitions will be redetermined as they already have been to a large degree. So although as I said I do not question the call, I would be downright reckless to dismiss the fact that great caution is to be called for in deciding our exact destination. There are a few good possibilities right now but it is too soon to make that decision. When the time and the place are clear and it all resonates with my heart I will know, I will have the eyes to see and the ears to listen. This is what my Lord promises me.
My proud Somali friend and her child hang beside my bed now and beckon to me to keep working, stay strong and above all, stay open to the many encounters that have often signaled a huge step forward in my journey. I need her as much as she needs me...the fact that she and her child seemingly blend together amidst the vibrant pastels is not lost on me...
mimi nakupenda!
Malaika~
"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great. You broaden the path beneath me, so that my ankles do not turn."Psalm 18:32-36
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